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When anger takes over

For when anger has the wheel: get a little room from it, notice how you feel toward it, and listen to what it is guarding, without acting on it now.

14 steps, drawn from 18 books on IFS.

Checked: each step was read against the book passages it rests on, and stays inside them.

Read every step first
  1. This is for the anger itself. This walk-through is for when anger has taken over. It treats the anger as one of your protectors and stays with it. It does not go digging for older hurts underneath. Nothing here asks you to act on the anger or say anything to anyone. If the anger is close to hurting someone, or hurting yourself, stop now: step away, take a time out, and use the crisis lines in the Help menu, top right. If you start to feel overwhelmed at any point, you can stop.
  2. Land first. A few slow breaths, only to arrive in the room you are in. This is not a way of telling the anger to calm down: that rarely works, for people or for parts. The anger can stay as loud as it is. Skip this if it does not help.
  3. Find where it sits. Turn your attention inward, toward the anger itself rather than the person or thing that set it off. That can come later, if at all. Where do you notice the anger: in your body, or just around it? It might come as a sensation, words, an image or a feeling. Any of those counts.
  4. Say it as a part. Try saying it to yourself another way. Not 'I am furious', but 'a part of me is furious'. That small change often makes a little room: there is you, noticing, and there is the anger, being noticed. However big it feels right now, it is not all of who you are.
  5. Anger often stands guard. In this way of working, anger is a part with a job. It often steps in fast when something has left you feeling hurt, pushed aside or powerless, and puts itself in front of that. You do not need to go looking for what it guards. Seeing it as a guard does not make everything it wants to do a good idea. It does mean the anger itself is not bad.
  6. How do you feel toward the anger? Not how the anger feels. How you feel toward it. When anger is loud, other parts often react to it: some are ashamed of it, some are scared of it, some want it gone. Answer with what is true rather than what sounds right, because this answer decides what comes next.
  7. Let it know you see it. Let the anger know, inside, that you can see how hard it is working for you. You do not have to agree with what it wants to do. Then ask whether there is something it wants you to know, and wait for its answer. Do not answer for it. Angry parts are often used to being pushed away, and they can settle when someone is genuinely interested.
  8. What is it afraid of? Ask it what it is afraid would happen if it did not get so angry for you. You can also ask what it hopes for. Wait for its answer rather than supplying one.
  9. Where did its answer point? Sometimes a protector's fear is about now: the argument, the deadline, being let down again. Sometimes it points further back, at a younger part of you that got hurt and still carries it. Both are worth knowing. Only one of them is for today.
  10. Nothing needs saying now. Nothing needs to be said to anyone now, and waiting is a fine answer. While a part is this stirred up, it helps to hold off until things settle.
  11. If anything gets said, say it for the anger. If, later, you want to tell someone about this, you can speak for the anger instead of letting it do the talking: 'a part of me is really angry about this'. Said that way, it tends to carry less heat. Parts that trust you will speak for them can feel less need to take over. Write what that might sound like, just for you.
  12. How loud is it now? The same scale you used at the start. A drop is worth noticing. No change is fine too: you have spent some time looking at the anger, not only out through it.
  13. Give it a name, if one comes. A name can help you notice it sooner next time, before it pulls you all the way in. Name the part rather than the anger it carries: something like 'the one who guards me' rather than 'Rage'. Any name will do. If none comes, leave it blank.
  14. Before you go. Thank the part you got to know, and any parts that stepped back or let you know they were afraid. Let them know this was not their last chance: you plan to come back, so only say that if you mean it. Then bring your attention back out. Feel your feet, look around the room you are in, and take a breath or two if that helps.
  15. Get to know the one that keeps stepping in. That is all right. Today, this is the part to get to know, whether it is the anger itself or a part reacting to it. Ask it what it is afraid would happen if it gave you a little room. Then wait for its answer instead of thinking one up.
  16. Seen, and not today. If a younger part showed itself, let it know you noticed it, and that you will not forget about it. You are not going to it today. If you want, make a note to come back to it. That may be plenty for one sitting.
  17. Stopping here is allowed. When a part has taken over and will not give you room, stopping here is fine. Take a time out. While the anger is this loud, hold off on deciding or doing anything about what set it off, and wait until things settle. You can come back later and listen to it.
  18. Ask for a little room. Whatever answered just now, the anger itself or a part reacting to it, ask it whether it would give you a little room for a few minutes. It does not have to leave. If a part is scared of what the anger might do, let it know you are not inviting the anger to take over: you only want to get to know it.