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Getting some room

The six Fs with one protector: find it, stay with it, notice how you feel toward it, and listen to what it is afraid of.

12 steps, drawn from 14 books on IFS.

Checked: each step was read against the book passages it rests on, and stays inside them.

Read every step first
  1. This is for protectors. This walk-through works with the parts that protect you: the planner, the critic, the one that wants to leave the room. It does not go looking for the young, hurt parts those protectors guard. If one shows up, you can say hello and come back to it another time.
  2. Land first. A few slow breaths, only to arrive in the room you are in. This is not for pushing anything away. Whatever is loud can stay loud. Skip it if it does not help.
  3. Find it. Turn your attention inward, toward whatever is loudest. Where do you notice it: in your body, or just around it? It might come as a sensation, words, an image or a feeling. Any of those counts.
  4. Stay with it. Keep your attention on that place for a few breaths. You are not trying to fix it or make it smaller. Notice what it does while you stay.
  5. Get to know its shape. What is it like? Some people see an image of a part, some hear what it tends to say, some only feel it in the body. There is no right or wrong way to sense it.
  6. How do you feel toward it? Not how the part feels. How you feel toward the part. Answer with what is true rather than what sounds right, because this answer decides what comes next.
  7. Let it know you are listening. Let it know, inside, that you can see how hard it has been working. Ask whether there is something it wants you to know, then wait for its answer. Do not answer for it. Parts that feel heard often relax a little.
  8. What is it afraid of? Ask it what it fears would happen if it stopped doing this job. Wait for its answer rather than guessing it.
  9. Where did its answer point? Sometimes a protector's fear is about now: the argument, the deadline, being let down again. Sometimes it points further back, at a younger part of you that got hurt and still carries it. Both are worth knowing. Only one of them is for today.
  10. How loud is it now? The same scale you used at the start. A drop is worth noticing, and no change is fine too: you know it better than you did.
  11. Give it a name, if one comes. A name can help you notice it sooner next time, before it pulls you all the way in. Any name will do. If none comes, leave it blank.
  12. Before you go. Thank the part you got to know, and any parts that stepped back or let you know they were afraid. Let them know this was not their last chance: you plan to come back, so only say that if you mean it. Then bring your attention back out. Feel your feet, look around the room you are in, and take a breath or two if that helps.
  13. Get to know the one that keeps stepping in. That is all right. Today, this is the part to get to know. Ask it what it is afraid would happen if it let you get closer to the first one. Then wait for its answer instead of thinking one up.
  14. Wanting to help. A part can want to help too, and sound a lot like you. One difference the books give: a helping part is busy working things out, making something happen, or trying to fix or rescue. You, without an agenda, simply ask, and let the part tell you what it wants you to know. Which is closer right now?
  15. Thank the helper. Turn toward the part that wants to fix. Ask it what it is afraid would happen if it did not work this out, or rescue the first part. Wait for its answer rather than guessing it. Then thank it for wanting to help, and ask whether it would give you a little room, so you can get to know the first part yourself. It may need some reassurance first, and that is fine.
  16. Seen, and not today. If a younger part showed itself, let it know you noticed it, and that you will not forget about it. You are not going to it today. If you want, make a note to come back to it. That may be plenty for one sitting.
  17. Stopping here is allowed. When a part will not step back, stopping here is fine. It does not mean you are failing: it may take more time for it to trust you. You can use the time that is left to hear what it is worried about.
  18. Ask the other part for some room. Turn toward the part that does not like the first one. Ask it whether it would give you a little room, just for a few minutes, so you can get to know the first part. It does not have to leave. If it worries the first part will take over, let it know you will not let that happen.