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When the critic is loud

For when a harsh inner voice is loud: name it as a part, notice how you feel toward it, and listen to what it is afraid of, without arguing with it or going to the hurt it guards.

16 steps, drawn from 14 books on IFS.

Checked: each step was read against the book passages it rests on, and stays inside them.

Read every step first
  1. This stays with the critic. This is for when a harsh voice inside is loud: the one that picks you apart, calls you names, or says you are not enough. Here the critic is treated as a protector, and this walk-through stays with it. It does not go to the part that feels ashamed or worthless under those words. That part matters, and you can come back to it another time. If the critic is telling you to hurt yourself, or that you would be better off gone, stop here and use the crisis lines in the Help menu, top right. You can stop at any point.
  2. Land first. Sit in a way you can stay in for a while. Your eyes can stay open, or rest closed if that feels better: either is fine, and you can change your mind. Notice what is holding you up, the seat under you and the floor under your feet.
  3. Breath, or the room. If a few slower breaths help, take them. If paying attention to your breath makes things worse, look around the room instead. None of this is meant to quiet the critic. It can stay as loud as it is.
  4. Find it. Turn toward the critical voice itself, rather than whatever it is going on about. Where do you notice it: inside your body, or somewhere near it?
  5. What it says, and how. What does it tend to say? And how does it say it: loud or quiet, cold, sharp, mocking, weary? Sometimes it sounds a lot like a person you know. If it does, just notice that and leave it there. There is no need to go into the history behind it.
  6. Say it as a part. Take one thing it says and put it another way. Not 'I am useless', but 'a part of me is saying I am useless'. This is not a verdict on whether it is right. It only opens a little space: there is you, hearing it, and there is the critic, talking.
  7. What a critic is often for. In this way of working, a critic is a protector with a job, and often one it took on young. Critics often go after you hoping to head off something worse: being rejected, laughed at, or shamed by someone else. They get in first.
  8. Not today's question. Seeing that aim does not settle whether its words are fair, and that is not today's question. You do not need to argue with it, and you do not need to reassure yourself against it. Neither tends to quiet a critic for long. For now the aim is only to know it a little better.
  9. How do you feel toward it? Not how the critic feels, and not whether it is right. How do you feel toward it? When a critic is loud, other parts often answer first: one believes it, one hates it, one shrinks under it. Pick what is true rather than what sounds right, because this answer decides what comes next.
  10. Let it know you are listening. Let the critic know, inside, that you can see how hard it works. You do not have to agree with what it says to see that. Then ask whether it has something to tell you, and wait. Do not answer for it. If nothing comes, that is an answer too. Critics often respond to kindness and curiosity better than to a fight.
  11. What is it afraid of? Ask the critic what it fears could happen if it eased off and stopped going after you. Then wait for its answer, rather than guessing it.
  12. Where did its answer point? Sometimes a critic's fear is about now: getting something wrong, being judged, being left out. Sometimes it points further back, at a younger part of you that was shamed and still believes it. Both are worth knowing. Only the first is for today.
  13. Let it know who you are now. If it feels honest, thank the critic for trying to protect you, even though its way of doing it hurts. Then see whether it knows your age. Some critics took on their job when you were young, and still act as if you are. If it takes you for a child, you might let it know how old you are now, and something of what you can handle today that you could not then. Notice how it reacts. No need to push.
  14. How loud is it now? The same scale you used at the start. Quieter is worth noticing. The same is fine too: you know it better than you did. Louder can happen too. If it has turned on you in a way that frightens you, use the crisis lines in the Help menu, top right.
  15. Give it a name, if one comes. A name can help you catch it sooner next time, before its words pull you all the way in. Name the part, not the insult: something like 'the one who keeps watch' or 'the Perfectionist' rather than 'Useless'. Any name will do. If none comes, leave it blank.
  16. Before you go. Thank the critic for whatever it let you see, and thank any parts that gave you room or let you know they were afraid. Let them know this was not their last chance: you plan to come back, so only say that if you mean it. Then bring your attention back out. Feel your feet, look around the room you are in, and take a breath or two if that helps. If the critic gets loud again later, you can say it the same way as before: a part of me is saying...
  17. Get to know the one that keeps stepping in. That is all right. Today, this is the part to get to know, whether it is the critic itself or a part reacting to it. Ask it what it fears might happen if it let you get closer to the critic. Then wait. Let the answer come from it rather than thinking one up.
  18. Seen, and not today. If a younger part showed itself, let it know you noticed it, and that you will not forget about it. You are not going to it today. If you want, make a note to come back to it. You can thank the critic for showing you what it guards. That may be plenty for one sitting.
  19. Stopping here is allowed. When a part has the floor and will not give you room, stopping here is fine. It does not mean you are failing. It may only mean these parts need more time before they trust you with this. You can return to them another day.
  20. Ask for a little room. Turn toward whichever part answered just now: the one that believes the critic, hates it, feels ashamed, or wants it gone. Ask whether it would give you a little room for a few minutes, so you can meet the critic. It does not have to leave. If it is scared of the critic, or ashamed under it, it could wait somewhere safe and quiet of its own, out of earshot. Or you could picture the critic in a comfortable room with a window, staying put while you talk to it through the glass.