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Missing someone

For the part that carries the missing, after a death, a breakup or an estrangement: find it, stay with it, and keep it company without trying to make it stop.

12 steps, drawn from 16 books on IFS.

Checked: each step was read against the book passages it rests on, and stays inside them.

Read every step first
  1. When you are missing someone. This is for the part of you that carries the missing: after a death, a breakup, or someone you no longer see. Grief is not a problem to fix. Nothing here asks you to stop missing them. You are only going to keep it company for a while. You can stop at any step, and stopping is fine.
  2. Land first. A few slow breaths, only to arrive in the room you are in. This is not for pushing the missing away. It can stay. If breathing does not help, skip it and look around the room instead: the walls, the floor under your feet, something you can see. Your eyes can stay open.
  3. Where is the missing? Turn your attention toward the missing. Where do you notice it: in your body, or just around it? It might come as a heaviness, an ache, a picture of them, or a few words. Any of those counts.
  4. Stay with it. See if you can keep your attention there for a few breaths. You are not trying to lift it or make it smaller. Notice what it does while you stay.
  5. Get to know it. What is it like? It may feel sad, or aching, or numb and far away. Does it seem to be a certain age? You might notice what it holds: a memory, a wish, a question. There is no right or wrong way to sense it.
  6. How do you feel toward it? Not how the part feels. How you feel toward the part that carries the missing. Answer with what is true rather than what sounds right, because this answer decides what comes next.
  7. Let it know you are here. Let the part know, inside, that you are here with it, and that it does not have to carry this alone right now. Ask whether there is something it wants you to know, about the one you miss or about itself. Then wait. Do not answer for it. Nothing coming is all right too.
  8. What does it need from you? Ask it what it needs from you now. It might be time, or company, or something small that brings comfort. Then wait for its answer rather than guessing it.
  9. Something to keep. See if there is something it wants to keep: a memory, a word they used, a way of carrying them with you. Let it know you will remember too. If it feels honest, thank it for holding this.
  10. How heavy is it now? The same scale you used at the start. Heavier, lighter, or the same are all fine. Grief does not have to get smaller to have been kept company.
  11. Give it a name, if one comes. A name can help you notice it when it comes back, so it does not catch you all the way off guard. Any name will do. If none comes, leave it blank.
  12. Before you go. Thank the part that carries the missing, and any part that made room or told you what it was afraid of. Let them know you plan to come back, only if you mean it. Then bring your attention back out. Feel your feet, look around the room you are in, and take a breath or two if that helps.
  13. Get to know the one that keeps stepping in. That is all right. Today, this is the part to get to know. Ask it what it is afraid would happen if it let you be with the sadness. Then wait for its answer instead of thinking one up.
  14. Where did its answer point? Sometimes its fear is about now: this loss, this week, falling apart at work. Sometimes it points further back, at a younger part of you that lost something long ago and still carries it. Both are worth knowing. Only one of them is for today.
  15. Seen, and not today. If a younger part showed itself, let it know you noticed it, and that you will not forget about it. You are not going to it today. If you want, make a note to come back to it. That may be plenty for one sitting.
  16. Stopping here is allowed. Some parts will not shift today, and that is fine. It may only mean they need more time before they trust you with the missing. Let them know you get it, and that there is no pressure. You can come back when your parts feel ready.
  17. Ask the other part for some room. Turn toward the part that reacted just now: the one that wants it to stop, or fears it, or wants to get on with things. Ask whether it would give you a little room, just for a few minutes, so you can be with the missing. It can stay nearby. If it worries the sadness will take over, let it know you will not let that happen.