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When someone else is hurting

Practice for a calm moment: someone you have been with when they were very upset waits in a room behind a window, and you get to know a part that reacts, from outside. You never go into the room.

13 steps, drawn from 9 books on IFS.

Checked: each step was read against the book passages it rests on, and stays inside them.

Read every step first
  1. For a calm moment. At first, practise this in a quiet time rather than in the middle of a hard moment. You will bring to mind someone who was very upset, but they stay in a room behind a window, and you do not go in.
  2. Someone who was hurting. Think of someone you have been with when they were very upset: extremely sad and hurt, for example, and maybe crying. Take a moment to bring this person to mind.
  3. A room, and a window. In your mind's eye, put this person in a room where they stay for now. Watch them through a window, from the safety of being outside, as they show how hurt or sad they are.
  4. What comes up in you. As you watch them, notice what comes up in your body and your mind. Notice the thoughts you have about them, even ones you are not very proud of, and all the different parts that react to this person. What are these parts doing to your heart or your breathing? Your muscles, your impulses?
  5. Parts that make it hard to watch. You might notice parts that make it hard to watch the person in the room. Which is closest to one you notice?
  6. Pick one. Choose one of those parts to get to know a little better. How is it affecting your body right now?
  7. Nothing to do for them right now. Let this part know that right now you do not have to do anything for this person, and that they are going to stay in the room. It can relax a little and separate, if it can.
  8. Through new eyes. If it did separate, notice the shift. Look again at the person through these new eyes. Get a sense of how you might want to be with this person, if your parts would allow it.
  9. What it is afraid of. Now shift your focus back to the protector. Ask it what it is afraid would happen if it did not do this to you inside.
  10. Where did its answer point? Sometimes a protector's fear is about now: the argument, the deadline, being let down again. Sometimes it points further back, at a younger part of you that got hurt and still carries it. Both are worth knowing. Only one of them is for today.
  11. Staying with the person. Ask it why it does not trust you to stay with the person.
  12. How loud is it now? The same scale you used at the start. A drop is worth noticing, and no change is fine too: you know it better than you did.
  13. Before you go. When the time feels right, thank this protector for whatever it did, and for whatever it let you know. Then begin to shift your focus back outside, with a few deep breaths if that helps.
  14. Seen, and not today. If something younger showed itself, let it know you noticed it, and that you will not forget about it. You are not going to it today. If you want, make a note to come back to it. That might be enough for today.