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Being with, not being

Let an everyday part come close for a moment, then ask it for a little room, and feel the difference between being a part and being with it.

11 steps, drawn from 12 books on IFS.

Checked: each step was read against the book passages it rests on, and stays inside them.

Read every step first
  1. Being with, not being. Most of the time a part does not feel like a part. It feels like you: your mood, your view of things, what you want to do next. This walk lets one everyday part come close on purpose, for a moment, then asks it for a little room, so you can feel the difference between being it and being with it. Blending is not a bad thing; it is how parts do their jobs. This stays with the parts that protect you, not the young, hurt ones they guard.
  2. Settle first. A few slow breaths to settle, following each one in and out. This is not for pushing anything away. Skip it if it does not help.
  3. Choose a part that is often around. Bring to mind a part that is around a lot: one that takes over a little most days, like the one that hurries you, the planner, or the one that gets irritated. Not the loudest or hardest one you have. Everyday managers and mild irritations are good places to start. A recent moment that stirred it up can help you find it.
  4. Let it come close. Let it come a little closer, only as much as is comfortable. You might hear the words it usually says, or picture the moment it shows up, as if it were happening now. Let it fill you a little, and stay with what that is like. You can ask it for room at any moment, or wrap up here.
  5. What is it like to be it? Notice what it is like from inside. What is your body doing? How do things look from here, and what do you believe about the situation or the person? What do you feel like saying or doing?
  6. Ask it for a little room. Now ask it, inside, for a little room. It does not have to leave: it could step just outside you, sit beside you, or turn its feelings down a notch. Let it know you are not trying to get rid of it; you want to get to know it. Even a little space is enough. It is its choice, so wait and see what it does.
  7. Being with it. Notice what changed. What is your body doing now? Where is the part: inside, beside you, a little way off? Just be with it for a moment, separate and still connected.
  8. Being it, and being with it. Put the two side by side: a few minutes ago you were inside it, and now it is next to you. What is different? And how do you feel toward it from here? Knowing this difference in your body helps you notice, later in the day, when a part has stepped in.
  9. Let it know you are here. If you feel some curiosity or warmth toward it, let it know. Then ask it what it is like for it when you are here with it, and wait for its answer rather than supplying one. If you feel something closer to irritation, that is likely another part reacting to this one. Let it know it can tell you what it needs you to know, and see if it would step back a little so you can stay with the first one; if it will not, this is a fine place to stop.
  10. How loud is it now? The same scale you used at the start. A drop is worth noticing, and no change is fine too: you know it better than you did.
  11. Before you go. Thank it: for making room, if it did, or for telling you what it was afraid of, if it did not. If you want to come back to it another time, let it know, but only say so if you mean it. Then bring your attention back to your breath and the room. Feel your feet, look around, and come back when it feels right.
  12. Ask once more. Let it know you heard its fear. Tell it this is only for these few minutes, and afterwards it can come right back if it wants. Then ask once more for a little room, and see what it does.
  13. If it stays close. That is fine. It may not know you well enough yet to trust that it is safe to step back. Ask it what it is afraid would happen if it gave you a little room. Then wait for its answer instead of thinking one up.
  14. Where did its answer point? Sometimes a protector's fear is about now: the argument, the deadline, being let down again. Sometimes it points further back, at a younger part of you that got hurt and still carries it. Both are worth knowing. Only one of them is for today.
  15. Seen, and not today. If a younger part showed itself, let it know you noticed it, and that you will not forget about it. You are not going to it today. If you want, make a note to come back to it. That may be plenty for one sitting.