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Who you are now

With a protector you have already met: ask how old it thinks you are and, if it wants, let it see who you are now.

13 steps, drawn from 16 books on IFS.

Checked: each step was read against the book passages it rests on, and stays inside them.

Read every step first
  1. This is for a protector you know. This walk is for a protector you have already been getting to know. It asks how old that part thinks you are and, if it wants, lets it see something of who you are now. It stays with the parts that protect you. If a younger part shows up, you can put it somewhere safe and come back to it another time, once its protectors are willing.
  2. Get comfortable. Take a second to get comfortable. If a few deep breaths help you settle, take them. Your eyes can stay open, or rest closed if that feels better.
  3. Find it again. Bring to mind a protector you have already been getting to know. See if you can find it in or around your body today. It might come as words, a sensation, a feeling or an image.
  4. How do you feel toward it? Not how the part feels. How you feel toward the part. Answer with what is true rather than what sounds right, because this answer decides what comes next.
  5. See how it is doing. Get curious about how it is doing today. Ask if there is anything it wants you to know, or anything it needs. Then wait for its answer rather than thinking one up.
  6. How old does it think you are? Parts often do not really know the you that is here with them now. Ask it how old it thinks you are. Not how old it is, but how old you are. Then wait, without thinking up an answer, and notice what comes.
  7. Its answer, and your age. How does its answer compare with how old you actually are? Parts often think you are much younger.
  8. Would it like to see? Ask whether it would like to know what your life is like now: a tour of your life today. Wait for its answer.
  9. Show it who you are now. If it likes, ask it to turn around and look at you. Tell it, or show it, how old you are now. If it wants to know more, let it see a little of your life: where you live, what you do now, people you can trust. You may have resources you did not have when it took on its job. Go only as far as it wants to look.
  10. How is it, seeing that? Ask how it is for it, seeing who you are now. Then wait for its answer rather than thinking one up. It may be surprised. It may push back. You do not have to do anything about it.
  11. What it might mean for it. You might let it know that being older may mean you can handle more than it thought, and help it more. See how it reacts to that. Ask if there is anything it needs from you, and wait for its answer. You are not asking it to change anything or to give up its role.
  12. How loud is it now? The same scale you used at the start. A drop is worth noticing, and no change is fine too: you know it better than you did.
  13. Before you go. Thank the part you got to know, and any parts that stepped back or let you know they were afraid. Let them know this was not their last chance: you plan to come back, so only say that if you mean it. Then bring your attention back out. Feel your feet, look around the room you are in, and take a breath or two if that helps.
  14. Get to know the one that keeps stepping in. That is all right. Today, this is the part to get to know. Ask it what it is afraid would happen if it let you get closer to the first one. Then wait for its answer instead of thinking one up.
  15. Where did its answer point? Sometimes a protector's fear is about now: the argument, the deadline, being let down again. Sometimes it points further back, at a younger part of you that got hurt and still carries it. Both are worth knowing. Only one of them is for today.
  16. Seen, and not today. If a younger part showed itself, let it know you noticed it, and that you will not forget about it. You are not going to it today. If you want, make a note to come back to it. That may be plenty for one sitting.
  17. Stopping here is allowed. When a part will not step back, stopping here is fine. It does not mean you are failing: it may take more time for it to trust you. You can use the time that is left to hear what it is worried about.
  18. Ask the other part for some room. Turn toward the part that does not like the first one. Ask it whether it would give you a little room, just for a few minutes, so you can get to know the first part. It does not have to leave. If it worries the first part will take over, let it know you will not let that happen.