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The U-turn

After someone upset you: bring the moment back, turn your attention from them to the part of you that reacted, get to know it and its fear, and leave with a sentence that speaks for it.

12 steps, drawn from 18 books on IFS.

Checked: each step was read against the book passages it rests on, and stays inside them.

Read every step first
  1. After someone upset you. This is for after someone has upset you. At first, practise it at a quiet time rather than in the middle of a hard moment. You bring the moment back, turn your attention from the other person to your own parts, and leave with a sentence about your part, not theirs. This walk works with the parts that protect you. If a younger part shows up, you can put it somewhere safe and come back to it another time, once its protectors are willing.
  2. Get comfortable. Take a second to get comfortable where you are. Keep your eyes open, or let your gaze go soft and rest somewhere. If a few slow breaths help you settle, take them. If not, look around the room you are in for a moment instead.
  3. Bring the moment back. Bring to mind a situation with someone that recently upset you. It could be a disagreement, or something they said or did that annoyed you, or made you angry or sad. Make it personal: one person, and what they did or said.
  4. Make the U-turn. Now make the U-turn. Rather than looking at what they did wrong, turn your attention around and ask: what is coming up in me? As you hold the moment, notice what happens in your body and your mind. It may come as words or thoughts, sensations, emotions or images.
  5. The part that reacted. Turn inward to see who got triggered. Where is this part, in or around your body? Notice what it is doing: to your muscles, your heart, your breathing, and what impulses come with it.
  6. How do you feel toward it? Not how the part feels. How you feel toward the part. Answer with what is true rather than what sounds right, because this answer decides what comes next.
  7. Get curious about it. See if you can be curious about the part that jumped up. If you can, ask it why it feels such a need to be so strong with this person. Then wait for an answer instead of thinking one up. If nothing comes, that is okay too.
  8. What it is afraid of. Ask it: what is it afraid would happen if it did not do that for you? Wait for its answer rather than guessing it.
  9. Where did its answer point? Sometimes a protector's fear is about now: the argument, the deadline, being let down again. Sometimes it points further back, at a younger part of you that got hurt and still carries it. Both are worth knowing. Only one of them is for today.
  10. Words you could say later. Speaking for a part means listening to it, then saying what it feels for it, rather than letting it take over and speak through you. Write a sentence about your own part, not about theirs, that you could say later: "When that happened, a part of me..." One way it can sound: "A part of me got really stirred up by what you said." Or: "An angry part of me is up right now, so can we talk later?"
  11. How loud is it now? The same scale you used at the start. A drop is worth noticing, and no change is fine too: you know it better than you did.
  12. Before you go. Thank the part you got to know, and any parts that stepped back or let you know they were afraid. Let them know this was not their last chance: you plan to come back, so only say that if you mean it. Then bring your attention back out. Feel your feet, look around the room you are in, and take a breath or two if that helps.
  13. Get to know the one that keeps stepping in. That is all right. Today, this is the part to get to know. Ask it what it is afraid would happen if it let you get closer to the first one. Then wait for its answer instead of thinking one up.
  14. Where did its answer point? Sometimes a protector's fear is about now: the argument, the deadline, being let down again. Sometimes it points further back, at a younger part of you that got hurt and still carries it. Both are worth knowing. Only one of them is for today.
  15. Seen, and not today. If a younger part showed itself, let it know you noticed it, and that you will not forget about it. You are not going to it today. If you want, make a note to come back to it. That may be plenty for one sitting.
  16. Stopping here is allowed. When a part will not step back, stopping here is fine. It does not mean you are failing: it may take more time for it to trust you. You can use the time that is left to hear what it is worried about.
  17. Ask the other part for some room. Turn toward the part that has strong feelings about this one. Ask if it would give you a little room, just for a few minutes. It can stay nearby. If it worries the first part will take over, let it know you will not let that happen.