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The weary one

For a protector that is tired of its job: let it rest with you, hear how long it has been at it and why it took it on, offer some hope without overpromising, and ask what it would rather do.

10 steps, drawn from 17 books on IFS.

Checked: each step was read against the book passages it rests on, and stays inside them.

Read every step first
  1. This is for a tired part. This is a few minutes with a part of you that is weary, exhausted or tired in its job. You let it rest with you, hear its story if it wants to tell it, and, without overpromising, offer it some hope that things could be different. It stays with the parts that protect you. If a younger part shows up, you can put it somewhere safe and come back to it another time, once its protectors are willing.
  2. Get comfortable. Take a second to get comfortable where you are. Keep your eyes open, or let your gaze go soft and rest somewhere. If a few slow breaths help you settle, take them. If not, look around the room you are in for a moment instead.
  3. Find the tired one. Find a part that is weary, exhausted or tired. Notice where it shows up in or near your body. Then focus on how tired it is. As you focus, what do you notice?
  4. How do you feel toward it? Not how the part feels. How you feel toward the part. Answer with what is true rather than what sounds right, because this answer decides what comes next.
  5. Somewhere to rest. Choose a place to go with this part to relax: somewhere in nature, near a fire, or on a relaxing walk. You can go anywhere you like. Let it rest with you, if it can. It can talk if it wants to, but it does not have to; you can just be with it for a while.
  6. Its tiredness. Ask it about its tiredness: what causes it, how long it has been doing what tires it, and why it took on this job. You might also ask how effective it feels in this job. Wait for its answers rather than thinking them up. Listen, and offer it compassion for how hard it is working.
  7. Offer some hope. Offer it some hope, as a question rather than a promise. You might ask: "What if things could be different, and you did not have to work so hard? Would you be interested?" Let it know it does not have to stop doing its job. Then see how it responds.
  8. What it would rather do. Ask it: if it were safe to step out of this job, what would it like to do instead? Wait for its answer rather than thinking one up; if nothing comes, that is okay too. The answer is its choice, and it does not have to stop doing its job. Then ask what it needs from you in the future.
  9. How is it now? The same scale you used at the start. Did you notice a change in its tiredness while you were with it? A change is worth noticing, and none is fine too: you know it better than you did.
  10. Before you go. If it is true, thank this part once more, and any part that made room for you to be with it. Let it know you will come back, but only say that if you mean it. Then bring your attention back out. Feel your feet, look around the room you are in, and take a breath or two if that helps.
  11. Let it know you heard. Let it know its fear makes sense, and that you understand why it is afraid. You might add that you are older now, and might be able to bring a different perspective, resource or skill. Then be with it as it responds, and do not answer for it.
  12. Get to know the one that keeps stepping in. That is all right. Today, this is the part to get to know. Ask it what it is afraid would happen if it let you get closer to the first one. Then wait for its answer instead of thinking one up.
  13. Where did its answer point? Sometimes a protector's fear is about now: the argument, the deadline, being let down again. Sometimes it points further back, at a younger part of you that got hurt and still carries it. Both are worth knowing. Only one of them is for today.
  14. Its concerns. Ask it about its concerns. You might ask, "What are you afraid would happen if you stopped doing this job?" Then wait for its answer instead of thinking one up.
  15. Where did its answer point? Sometimes a protector's fear is about now: the argument, the deadline, being let down again. Sometimes it points further back, at a younger part of you that got hurt and still carries it. Both are worth knowing. Only one of them is for today.
  16. Seen, and not today. If a younger part showed itself, let it know you noticed it, and that you will not forget about it. You are not going to it today. If you want, make a note to come back to it. That may be plenty for one sitting.
  17. Stopping here is allowed. When a part will not step back, stopping here is fine. It does not mean you are failing: it may take more time for it to trust you. You can use the time that is left to hear what it is worried about.
  18. Ask the other part for some room. Turn toward the part that has strong feelings about this one. Ask if it would give you a little room, just for a few minutes. It can stay nearby. If it worries the first part will take over, let it know you will not let that happen.