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Goodnight to the younger one

A few minutes at bedtime with a younger part you have already noticed: ask the parts that guard it first, check how you feel toward it, and ask what it would like to hear before you say anything. It ends by asking where it would like to rest tonight, and saying goodnight.

11 steps, drawn from 16 books on IFS.

A walk with a younger part. It starts by asking the parts that guard it, so it goes best once you have met one of them in Getting some room.

Checked: each step was read against the book passages it rests on, and stays inside them.

Read every step first
  1. A goodnight, for someone you know. A few minutes at bedtime with a younger part you have already noticed. Its guards come first, and if they say not tonight, it ends there, kindly. You are only saying goodnight: no story needed, and no need to fall asleep. You can stop on any step.
  2. Settle where you sleep. Lie down or sit up in bed. Notice what holds you up: the mattress, the pillow, the covers. A slow breath or two can help, or skip it. Your eyes can stay open or rest closed.
  3. Bring it to mind. Bring to mind the younger part you met before. Notice where the younger one is, in your body or near it, without going any closer yet.
  4. Ask its guards first. Notice any part standing near the younger one: a tightening, a thought that this is silly, a pull toward your phone. Ask it: may I say goodnight to the one you look after, for a few minutes? Tell it you will ask the younger one not to overwhelm you. Then wait for a real answer. Going quiet is not a yes.
  5. How do you feel toward it? Not how the younger one feels: how do you feel toward it? Give the true answer rather than the kind one, because it decides what comes next.
  6. Just enough. Let the younger one know you are here, if that is true, and notice how it takes that. Ask it not to flood you with its feelings, so you can stay with it, feeling just enough. If it grows too strong, ask it to turn down the volume a little.
  7. What would it like to hear? Before you say anything, ask the younger one: what would you like to hear from me tonight? Then wait, without thinking up an answer. It may come as a word, a feeling, a picture, or nothing yet, and you do not need its story.
  8. Say it, if it is true. If you can say what it asked to hear and mean it, say it to the younger one yourself, aloud or inside. If nothing came, or you cannot say that honestly, "I'm here now" can be enough. Then notice how it takes it in.
  9. Where would it like to rest tonight? Ask the younger one where it would like to be while you sleep, and let it choose. If it is true, tell it you will look in on it tomorrow, and promise only what you will do. Then say goodnight.
  10. How loud is it now? The same scale you used at the start. Louder, quieter or the same are all fine: a goodnight with a younger part can stir things up.
  11. Goodnight. Thank the younger one, and the parts that made room or said they were not ready. Feel the bed under you, eyes open or resting closed. Sleep may come or not; either is fine. Even when the guards seemed to agree, a part may act out afterward; that is not uncommon. If it does, try getting curious about it rather than fighting it. If you have a photo of yourself as a small child, you could keep it where you see it each day: it can help strengthen the connection.
  12. Back in the room first. Feel the bed under you and the walls of the room around you, and breathe slowly for a minute or two, or look around instead. A lamp on is fine. You do not need to go back to the younger one tonight.
  13. Get to know the one that said not yet. That is fine. Tonight this part is the one to get to know. Ask it what it fears would happen if you went near the younger one at bedtime. Then wait for its answer instead of thinking one up.
  14. Is it willing now? When it has said what it needed to, ask it once more whether you may say goodnight to the younger one. Either answer is fine.
  15. Not tonight is an answer. When a part is not ready, stopping here is fine, and it does not mean you failed. It may need more time before it trusts you near the younger one. You can still wish the part that said no a good night, and come back on another evening.
  16. Ask for a little room. Turn to whichever part answered just now. Ask if it would give you a little room for a few minutes, so you can be with the younger one. It can stay close by. If it fears the younger one's feelings will be too much, tell it you can ask them not to overwhelm you.