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The one the critic is hard on

For a younger part you have already noticed, the one a harsh inner critic keeps shaming: ask the critic first, check how you feel toward the younger one, and let it show you how it feels, without digging for the story. It ends by asking where it would like to wait until next time.

8 steps, drawn from 16 books on IFS.

A walk with a younger part. It starts by asking the parts that guard it, so it goes best once you have met one of them in Getting some room.

Checked: each step was read against the book passages it rests on, and stays inside them.

Read every step first
  1. For the one the critic goes after. This walk is for a younger part you have already noticed, one that a harsh inner critic keeps shaming. Here the critic is the part standing guard, so it is asked first, and if it says no, the walk ends there, kindly. You are not here to change the younger one, and you do not need its story. You can stop on any step, and stopping is always there.
  2. Land first. Notice what is holding you up: the seat under you, the floor under your feet. Take a slow breath or two if that helps, or skip it. Your eyes can stay open, or rest closed if that feels better.
  3. Where is it? Bring to mind the younger part you noticed before, the one the critic is hard on. Notice where it is, in your body or around it, without going any closer yet.
  4. Ask the critic first. Notice the critic near the younger one: the voice that keeps going after it. If other parts stand guard too, ask them along with it. Ask: may I get to know the one you are hard on, for a few minutes? Tell them you will ask the younger one not to overwhelm you, and that you only want to acknowledge it. Then wait for a real answer. Going quiet is not a yes.
  5. How do you feel toward it? Not how the younger one feels, and not what the critic says about it: how do you feel toward it? Give the true answer rather than the kind one, because it decides what comes next.
  6. Just enough. Let the younger one know you are here, if that is true, and notice how it takes that. Ask it not to flood you with its feelings, so you can stay with it, feeling just enough. If the feeling grows too strong at any point, ask it to turn down the volume a little.
  7. How does it feel? You are the one staying with it, not a part that feels what it feels. Ask the younger one to let you know how it feels, only the feeling, then wait. It may come as a sensation, a word, or a belief such as "something is wrong with me" or "I'm too much". You do not need where it came from. Let it know you see how it feels, without fixing it.
  8. Has it shown you enough, for now? If the critic jumps back in while you listen, ask it to step back for now; if it will not, you can stop and hear its concerns. Ask the younger one whether there is more it wants you to know right now. Let it answer.
  9. How loud is it now? The same scale you used at the start. Louder, quieter or the same are all fine: meeting a younger part can stir things up.
  10. Before you go. Thank the younger one for what it let you see, and thank the critic and any other parts that made room or said they were not ready. Then shift your attention back out to the room around you. Even when the guards seemed to agree, a part may act out afterward; that is not uncommon. If it does, try getting curious about it rather than fighting it.
  11. Back in the room first. Feel the seat under you and the walls of the room around you, and breathe slowly for a minute or two, or look around the room instead. You do not need to go back to the younger one today.
  12. Get to know the critic first. That is fine. Today the critic can be the one to get to know. Ask it what it fears would happen if you went near the younger one. Then wait for its answer instead of thinking one up.
  13. Is it willing now? When it has said what it needed to, thank it for what it is trying to do for you. Critics like it, when asked, say they want to keep the younger one from being shamed again. Then ask it once more whether you may go closer. Either answer is fine.
  14. Not today is an answer. When a part is not ready, stopping here is fine, and it does not mean you failed. It may need more time before it trusts you near the younger one. You can still thank the critic for telling you, and come back another day.
  15. Anything you are sorry for? You might want to apologise to it, for having locked it away, or for letting the critic make it the problem. Only if that is true for you, tell the younger one you are sorry, in your own words. If it is not true, leave this. Then notice how it takes it.
  16. Ask for a little room. Turn to whichever part answered just now. Ask if it would give you a little room for a few minutes, so you can be with the younger one. It can stay close by. If it fears the younger one's feelings will be too much, tell it you can ask them not to overwhelm you.
  17. Where would it like to wait? Before you go, ask the younger one where it would like to wait until you come back, and let it choose. If it is true, tell it you will not forget it and will check in again, and promise only what you will do. Then say goodbye for now.